Oh Baby

I've been wanting to be a mom for as long as I can remember. Part of me never imagined that I would every be in a place in my life and be able to be in a healthy relationship - so clearly not in the cards. Well, I've had a lot of struggles over the last few months. The OCD smacked me hard and took control. Well, as hard as it was, I went back on medication and now, I am feeling really good. Yes, I still spike here and there. OCD doesn't give up easily. But frankly, I really want to try to have a baby. But, I'm scared. I don't think I can be without meds. My psychiatrist has helped a lot of women through their pregnancies and reminds me that, yes there have not been controlled trials, but there is really good anecdotal research that shows that SSRIs appear safe - and that not eating, sleeping, constant anxiety, and depression have certainly shown not to be healthy for a developing baby. It scares the crap out of me. It is a perfect situation for "what ifs" to sneak in and halt me in my tracks. I don't want to spend my life waiting for it to be ok. I don't know that there will ever be a time when it will feel ok. I will freak out no matter what. If someone is smoking around me, if I drink any caffeine at all, if I walk by the exhaust from a bus- there is no safe place. I will not have the perfect pregnancy and be the perfect pregnant woman. I spent so much of this fall researching reasons to be on meds, or not be on meds, this scary study, that scary study. And, I know, I know, I know that any more internet research is going to keep me in a holding pattern. I've spent so much of my life being afraid of unknowingly causing myself, or others disease and harm. I know that piece is likely going to make it really hard during pregnancy, postpartum, parenting. I am certainly at risk for postpartum depression.

So, this is a controversial topic. And, I hope by posting this to find some support, and not more reasons to fear. I'm afraid of letting this one out. Because people are so opinionated when it comes to medications for psychological disorders and mental health. It makes it harder for all of us who are not just "happy" on meds, but are able to function with them. It is physiological. It doesn't make us weak. It makes us strong for facing our deepest fears and accepting help.