tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-42748205846200381082024-03-13T18:04:27.281-07:00Purely OCD MePurely OCD Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10855959162016161437noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4274820584620038108.post-46295284295741835972012-04-23T19:30:00.001-07:002012-04-23T19:30:03.947-07:00Long Time No PostWell, here I am, at nearly 11 weeks along, and I'm actually feeling ok. My energy is a little better, the nausea is seeming to get a bit better (though I hesitate to type this as it has a way to turn around on you). I've now seen the little bean on an ultrasound, heart beat is strong, baby is where it should be.<br />
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I'm managing the OCD really well, I've maintained my reduced dose and symptoms are about what they were on the higher dose. Apparently hormones can be good for something! Right now, I am dealing with a ton of stress at work and that is the one thing that feels out of place right now. I commute, a lot. And my job is really frantic and high pace. I like a good pace at work, but balance is really important to me. So, now I am stuck with looking for a new job when pregnant and dealing with the "when do you tell" issue, or staying at a job that isn't good for my stress level and overall well being.<br />
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I've managed to not over do the whole "perfect" pregnancy thing. Honestly, between morning sickness, exhaustion, and food aversions I have not, and cannot be perfect, so I've had to settle for doing my best. Now isn't that a life lesson for the OCD brain!Purely OCD Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10855959162016161437noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4274820584620038108.post-70351280024167968192012-04-02T21:35:00.000-07:002012-04-02T21:35:18.328-07:00Morning Sickness, and Pregnancy anxietySo much for not having morning sickness. That has officially kicked in, and it is making it hard for me to eat anything reasonably healthy. Vegetables and lean meat makes me want to yak. I'm also super bloated and feeling giant. So, my self esteem could be better. I'm at this stage where I am puffy, but don't look at all pregnant. The "has she eaten a few too many pieces of pizza?" period in pregnancy. I'm looking forward to loving my belly. How cool is that? The idea that for a short period in life, I get to look at my growing belly with joy. Can't wait.<br />
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In other news, I've been able to reduce my meds by a third, and so far so good. Yes, I still have irrational thoughts, but I am still able to move on with my life and not spend my life focused on them. Though, there are a few themes.<br />
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I'm terrified my child will have autism. The scariest thing about autism is that there is nothing legitimate to avoid that could help prevent it. So, my mind is coming up with all sorts of things that maybe I "should" avoid, just in case down the line we learn that eating this or being around that is what causes autism. The truth is, I can't control whether my child will have it or not. We just don't know why kids have it and why kids don't. All we have are theories. So, I've started going through the motions of imagining how I would respond if my child does have autism. I would get them therapy early, I would research the best programs, I would make friends with other parents in the same boat... in other words, I would find a way to deal with it. I would probably also blame myself, and I would have to come to terms with that. Bottom line, all the worrying I do now won't change the outcome. That is hard for me to swallow- part of me believes that if I panic about it, it won't come true. None of my greatest fears ever have, so if I panic about it now then I should be in the clear right?<br />
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But, despite this, I really am doing well. I know some of my fears are shared by all pregnant women, and that I am doing what I can to respond to my fears in a way that won't exacerbate them. This is definitely going to be the topic I bring up in my next CBT appointment. <br />
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Now for another saltine...Purely OCD Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10855959162016161437noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4274820584620038108.post-72027474298617941422012-03-25T23:02:00.000-07:002012-03-25T23:02:39.865-07:00Taking care of me firstSo, I had a great talk with my psychiatrist about reducing dose. She wanted to know what I was thinking specifically. I told her that I wanted to reduce by 25 mg and see how I did (I'm on Zoloft, so the doses increase and decrease by that much in general). I was thinking that a little less would put my mind at ease (a little less, potentially a little less risk - though my psychiatrist did remind me that the risk is extremely low regardless). Ultimately she said that she would be ok with a small reduction in dose, if I stay in touch with her and let her know how I'm doing. She also said that it was more a way of reducing mental angst than actual risk.<br />
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Well, after a week on a slightly lower dose, I feel totally fine and stable. And, I feel strangely more at peace with the decision. I'm not freaking out at all hours of the day, and don't feel any real increase in symptoms. If symptoms increase, I will go back up. I'm really dealing with this well. <br />
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She also mentioned that she thinks part of my fear stems from the perfectionism associated with OCD. I agree. I do. I know that some of my fears have the potential of becoming obsessive if I do not take care of myself first. It is a great lesson in learning to live with uncertainty, as well as learning to take care of myself so that I can take care of the little bean growing in me. Trust is hard for me, but it is powerful. <br />
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So, I am working on some mindfulness, and working to ask myself whether the thoughts are reasonable or distorted. And, spending some time thinking about how things may just end up being good - truth is none of my serious fears have ever come true.<br />
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My first OB appointment is in a few weeks. Maybe that will make this feel less surreal.Purely OCD Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10855959162016161437noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4274820584620038108.post-41028289687644862862012-03-15T23:13:00.001-07:002012-03-15T23:14:47.657-07:00FearWell, so far things are going alright. I'm exhausted, and I've definitely had some food aversions. Otherwise, things feel pretty unchanged physically.<br />
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OCD has decided to play with my head some more. I suppose I should have expected it, and I didn't do a great job of warding it off. I broke down and began searching online for stories of women being pregnant on antidepressants. Big Big Big mistake. I guess that whole "compulsions only aggravate anxiety" thing is true. I ended up calling my psychiatrist and leaving her a message saying I was considering reducing my dose and that I wasn't feeling comfortable with the idea of being on medication now.<br />
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I wasn't able to answer when she called me back, but she left me a message. She said she really thought about it, and that she preferred I stay on the same dose for several reasons. She said she thinks that my fears are OCD fears and that reducing may increase them. She also said that several of her patients have reduced dose during pregnancy and ended up relapsing and requiring a higher dose than they were on before to treat the relapse. We are set to talk tomorrow evening to have a real conversation about this.<br />
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It is so scary. I just want to do everything right. I suppose I want to have the perfect pregnancy and the perfect outcome. I keep trying to remind myself that there is no such thing as the perfect pregnancy, but, I'm not sure it's helping.<br />
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At least there is no morning sickness...Purely OCD Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10855959162016161437noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4274820584620038108.post-58785846154505670322012-03-11T23:22:00.000-07:002012-03-11T23:22:04.384-07:00um...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqmsqUqVDaMU-cM9lUME3edG3KdmkFkAu4vCJ5-0ZGVraUfy-A47VtfRzogm7f5ZLOtUnklGR7ZsZbI6mabKE8FQLzhH3d-lF8XO8N0HxjckIVQMw6evqa3PKJmtTklfL6G4Zy3Kpt2xxm/s1600/result.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqmsqUqVDaMU-cM9lUME3edG3KdmkFkAu4vCJ5-0ZGVraUfy-A47VtfRzogm7f5ZLOtUnklGR7ZsZbI6mabKE8FQLzhH3d-lF8XO8N0HxjckIVQMw6evqa3PKJmtTklfL6G4Zy3Kpt2xxm/s1600/result.jpg" /></a></div><br />
Well, that was fast. I'm still in total shock. My husband is away right now, so I had to wait and tell him when he called me. I'm excited and terrified. It was confirmed by blood test today.<br />
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I called my psychiatrist the day I found out and left her a message. She called me back and left me a message that said a few things:<br />
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1. Congratulations.<br />
2. She wanted to let me know that some women experience clinically significant moodiness early on and that if I felt more than the occasional weepiness that I should call her.<br />
3. That it was a really smart decision to go back on the medication and that she wanted to remind me that it was the smart choice.<br />
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The OCD has tried to poke through a few times with doubts about whether the meds are a mistake, whether I am already making mistakes that will forever cause harm to this little poppy seed sized bean.<br />
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Also- I'm terrified that it won't last. That there is something wrong with me that won't let me have this kind of happiness.<br />
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All of that said - I do feel like I'm managing. I'm being fairly reasonable (outside of the 5 home tests I took to try and get it to feel less surreal).<br />
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So, now I'm humbly asking for your support. Nobody understands my mind better than all of you. I'm hoping it starts to sink in soon. It is really a weird feeling.Purely OCD Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10855959162016161437noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4274820584620038108.post-89660518378839625282012-03-04T19:56:00.000-08:002012-03-04T19:56:52.317-08:00Mindfulness, CBT, and the ever ellusive TrustLong time no post.<br />
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Since my last post, I have begun therapy in addition to my monthly meetings with my psychiatrist. My new therapist spent a lot of time working in the NICU with parents who have had babies with problems, which is frankly perfect for me because my latest obsession has to do with me taking medication, using the microwave, eating or drinking what I shouldn't (GMO corn, splenda etc.) and causing life long problems to my future baby.<br />
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She reminded me that:<br />
1. I am not pregnant at this time, so I am causing myself a lot of distress over something that isn't actually a current problem.<br />
2. That there will be unknowns during pregnancy no matter what I do. <br />
3. The only thing I CAN do to help have a healthy pregnancy is to listen to what my doctors tell me and that no amount of internet searches on the possible things I can do wrong will make the anxiety go away.<br />
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She also had me take the thoughts and graph it (mentally) on how much it intrudes on my life. For example: not using the microwave when pregnant. probably not a big deal, I can easily live without it. Verses, not taking my medication - a big deal. The likelihood of relapse and my not being able to take care of myself like I will need while pregnant is high. I'm still super freaked out about the meds thing, but I have to try and trust my doctors, and learn to accept the fear of it. In fact the biggest ERP will be just getting pregnant and accepting the anxiety along the way.<br />
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She also has said that focusing on a combination of CBT and mindfulness may be the best course for me.<br />
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"I'm feeling anxious about XYZ and its here. I don't like this feeling, but it won't last forever. Even if my deepest fears come true, I will be able to deal with it and move forward."<br />
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So as for updates. Hubby and I are actively trying to conceive. No announcements yet, but I do think that through the anonymity of this blog, I will be able to share all the early details if I do manage to get pregnant. If I do, I know I'll need the support of all of you fellow OCDers that get how my brain works. Purely OCD Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10855959162016161437noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4274820584620038108.post-56841940765368912702012-01-21T22:33:00.000-08:002012-01-21T22:33:09.915-08:00How to make difficult decisions...Well, I had a long long conversation with my psychiatrist this week. All about the SSRI I am on and wanting to try and get pregnant. She started by telling me that she has had a lot of experience helping women through their pregnancies while on various medications and that while there are no controlled trials (hard to get the approval to do them), Zoloft has a 20 year track record of really good anecdotal evidence of safety. She went on to say that she has helped women who have gone on to have healthy pregnancies and healthy babies. She also said that in her opinion, there is no reason why I shouldn't start trying if that is what we decide. She said she would go through the entire pregnancy with me to help me through it, and she reminded me that not eating, sleeping, and constant anxiety and depression are without a doubt not healthy for a baby. No official decision yet, but I'm leaning toward just going for it. My husband has been amazingly supportive. He is unbelievable. I am incredibly lucky and grateful that I get to go through life with him. I just don't want to let OCD make this decision. OCD has ruled my decisions for far too long. I was without an SSRI from last spring until this fall, and it was so bad. Worse than I remembered it being. But, in a strange way, I am grateful for that period of hell, because it lead to an accurate diagnosis and gave me a reason why my mind cycles around obsessive thoughts the way it does, and that there is this whole community of OCD sufferers whose minds work like mine does. I'm also grateful for the support I've found in this community. I know that SSRIs and pregnancy is a really touchy subject, and I hope that I'll be supported no matter what the decision. Like many of you, I am really concerned with the possible judgment of going down that path.<br />
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In other news- I have an appointment to begin CBT! Part of me hopes that maybe with therapy I'll be able to reduce my dose a bit if I do get knocked up. But, we'll see. I'll be sure to keep you all updated on it all. I'm feeling positive.Purely OCD Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10855959162016161437noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4274820584620038108.post-79013708028224076192012-01-12T22:06:00.000-08:002012-01-12T22:06:06.694-08:00Oh BabyI've been wanting to be a mom for as long as I can remember. Part of me never imagined that I would every be in a place in my life and be able to be in a healthy relationship - so clearly not in the cards. Well, I've had a lot of struggles over the last few months. The OCD smacked me hard and took control. Well, as hard as it was, I went back on medication and now, I am feeling really good. Yes, I still spike here and there. OCD doesn't give up easily. But frankly, I really want to try to have a baby. But, I'm scared. I don't think I can be without meds. My psychiatrist has helped a lot of women through their pregnancies and reminds me that, yes there have not been controlled trials, but there is really good anecdotal research that shows that SSRIs appear safe - and that not eating, sleeping, constant anxiety, and depression have certainly shown not to be healthy for a developing baby. It scares the crap out of me. It is a perfect situation for "what ifs" to sneak in and halt me in my tracks. I don't want to spend my life waiting for it to be ok. I don't know that there will ever be a time when it will feel ok. I will freak out no matter what. If someone is smoking around me, if I drink any caffeine at all, if I walk by the exhaust from a bus- there is no safe place. I will not have the perfect pregnancy and be the perfect pregnant woman. I spent so much of this fall researching reasons to be on meds, or not be on meds, this scary study, that scary study. And, I know, I know, I know that any more internet research is going to keep me in a holding pattern. I've spent so much of my life being afraid of unknowingly causing myself, or others disease and harm. I know that piece is likely going to make it really hard during pregnancy, postpartum, parenting. I am certainly at risk for postpartum depression.<br />
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So, this is a controversial topic. And, I hope by posting this to find some support, and not more reasons to fear. I'm afraid of letting this one out. Because people are so opinionated when it comes to medications for psychological disorders and mental health. It makes it harder for all of us who are not just "happy" on meds, but are able to function with them. It is physiological. It doesn't make us weak. It makes us strong for facing our deepest fears and accepting help. Purely OCD Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10855959162016161437noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4274820584620038108.post-89224044573753910402012-01-05T11:25:00.000-08:002012-01-05T11:25:56.194-08:00ResponsibilityI have a really hard time saying no. I mean, a really hard time. Especially at work. I feel guilty if I haven't gone above and beyond, and frankly I'm not even sure if my interpretation of 'above and beyond' is the same as other people. Ultimately, I end up feeling overworked and cheated. I made a mini goal of setting boundaries with my boss, and it is really hard. She emails at all times of day and texts all the time. I feel bad ignoring texts and emails after work hours, but I cant think about work all the time. It is just too much. And, the stress agrivates my OCD and anxiety. I want to quit half the time, but I'm in a holding pattern while I finish the next 17 weeks of a "residency" like period. Maybe I'm just grumpy today. I get frustrated. I love what I do, but not the company I work for. There is just more stress than what is necessary to do a good job effectively. And, of course, in typing this, I'm afraid my boss might stumble onto my blog, figure out it's me, and I will have offended. I will resist the urge to scour this post for clues as to my identity.Purely OCD Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10855959162016161437noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4274820584620038108.post-9491347573439650762012-01-01T10:57:00.000-08:002012-01-01T10:57:43.480-08:00New Year, all about health and acceptance.My husband and I rang in the new year in AZ with a couple of friends. A trip scared me. My first panick attack in years hit me on my last trip and the memory of that is still clear, still strong. Not only that, but part of the plan included a big outdoor party (nice warm weather in AZ)and I was really nervous about spiking in a huge crowd. Well, I did spike a bit. And, I did spike a bit. I had to take this as an opportunity to let the anxiety come without analyzing and ruminating. It was hard, but I got through it. I even enjoyed one of the sweetest NYE kiss with my husband. So, I take last night as a success for me. It wasn't a perfect night, but anxiety didn't paralyze me, I looked it in the face and still had fun. Here's to starting the new year one step ahead of OCD.Purely OCD Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10855959162016161437noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4274820584620038108.post-17576962572275199202011-12-24T11:15:00.000-08:002011-12-24T11:15:27.168-08:00Happy Holidays Y'allHappy Chanukah, and Merry Christmas. I'm feeling kind of positive this morning. I'm getting a desperately needed oil change and plan to get myself an even more desperately needed eyebrow wax a little later. I've wrapped about half of the presents. I spoke with my psychiatrist a few days ago and she's recommending I bump up my SSRI, which I think is helping. I've also noticed less anxiety without coffee the last few days, so looks like I'll be living without that blissful cup for a while. In this moment, I'm feeling good and hopeful- so, I thought I'd send out my wish that all my fellow OCDers feel the same for however long it lasts.Purely OCD Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10855959162016161437noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4274820584620038108.post-12693604764710006582011-12-21T14:21:00.000-08:002011-12-21T14:21:26.308-08:00What if uncertainty scares the bejesus out of me?I'm married to an amazing man. He loves me when I'm fat and broken out. He loves me when I am depressed and anxious. He lIves me when I'm all dolled up and singing. He's awesome. This fall, after wanting nothing more to start the path to becoming a mom, I became obsessed with knowing with absolute surety that the relationship was right, that I would be a good mom, that I wouldn't somehow cause my future children autism or aids, and that I wasn't secretly gay. <br />
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How can you chose to become a parent with so many "what ifs?"<br />
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I feel a bit frozen. Like the idea of moving forward isn't possible. I want to be happy. I want to feel like I get to have the life I want. What if I don't deserve that and end up breaking my husband's heart and ruining my future children's lives in the process? <br />
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Moving forward with uncertainty seems impossible and like the only answer. How do I learn to be ok with that? <br />
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This is my mind todayPurely OCD Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10855959162016161437noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4274820584620038108.post-89123135913651860312011-12-19T22:58:00.000-08:002011-12-19T22:58:01.667-08:00My StoryWhen I was five I remember what I now know was a panic attack. I remember feeling warmth filling my body and being so worried and afraid. I'm not sure why it started, if there was a trigger, but, I do know I was suddenly convinced that I was not going to live past 10 years old. Once that milestone was hit, I was sure I wouldn't live past the end of middle school, and then highschool... and then that fear dwindled...<br />
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When I was 12, I remember suddenly panicking in the middle of the night that maybe I was gay. I remember drinking 3 glasses of water and feeling better and having the thought, "oh wow, who knew the cure to being gay was drinking water." And yet, while it didn't really make sense, I didn't know how to process it. It would be 8 more years before I knew what a panic attack was.<br />
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Throughout my teens I convinced myself that I had cancer and MS until at 20, when I had a bump under my arm and I was sure it was breast cancer (because Brenda on 90210 had a tumor once, so that meant I must also). I was home for a break from college playing scrabble with my parents and I broke down and told my mom that I thought I had breast cancer. My mom, who was diagnosed with OCD several years prior told me I was having a panic attack. She went with my to my room, looked at the bump and told me that it wasn't what a tumor felt like. She helped find a therapist near school for me to go to. The therapist diagnosed me with social anxiety disorder, because all of my fears made it really hard for me to make friends. I was put on one SSRI which I had a really negative reaction to, and then another that actually helped. The therapist however did not.<br />
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I wasn't very good at staying on the medication. I felt shame. I eventually took myself off of the medication.<br />
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The two years after I lost my virginity I was sure I must have AIDS, even though I had been tested.<br />
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When I was 27, I remember watching an Oprah show in which a bunch of women talked about realizing they were gay late in life and fell hard back into panic. It overwhelmed my every thought. It occurred to me then that the feeling of fear felt an awful lot like a panic attack - and by then I knew that nothing I had ever panicked about had actually been true. Maybe this fear that had stuck with me since that night at twelve years old was also not true. I went to my doctor and was put on an SSRI and slowly the panic fell away. I remember talking to my sister during a nervous rumination that I thought maybe I also liked girls, but it never felt right. I expected to suddenly feel like I was allowing myself to be myself, that I should feel relief. But, what I really wanted was the anxiety to go away.<br />
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A few months after starting medication, I met him. The love of my life. The first real relationship I had ever let myself be in, my first real boyfriend, my first real love. I married him. I was never afraid getting married. I loved being married. We decided that we would start to try for a baby this fall, so last spring, under my doctor's care, I weaned myself off of medication.<br />
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The depression started slowly. My husband and I had a stupid fight and remember waking up the next day feeling nothing for him. It scared me, the relationship doubt started to really scare me. Then in summer I had my first panic attack in years with the sudden thought "oh my god, what if I'm gay." It became every waking minute. Every woman and man I saw became a test. I couldn't watch a tv show without analyzing my responses. Was it anxiety? Or was this me?<br />
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For the first time I needed to know if it was possible that it was anxiety. I typed anxiety and gay into a search engine and found the term HOCD. Oh my god. This might be it. It took two more weeks for me to break down, and tell my husband that I needed to get myself well and that I thought we needed to put babies on hold for a while. I talked to my regular doctor about medication and after weeks of thinking about it, I filled a prescription. Four weeks later, I was in a psychiatrist's office. I bulldozed in and spit out all my fears before I could let myself talk myself out of it. (Please, please, please say you think this is OCD. I'm scared that it's not. I'm scared that it is. I'm scared that I can never be happy). She told me that I was having very common OCD fears, and that, while she had never seen anything written about it, in her experience the gay fear and the health fear often coexist for patients. I'm not so unique. At the end of the session she asked if I had any other questions, and I only had one.<br />
"So you think I have OCD?"<br />
"Yes, you have OCD, the purely obsessional variety- but, that doesn't mean you should look it up."<br />
"Don't worry, I already have."<br />
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And now a new journey begins... Purely OCD Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10855959162016161437noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4274820584620038108.post-55948924144701988812011-12-15T18:42:00.000-08:002011-12-15T18:42:37.744-08:00Welcome to the ClubI have purely obsessional OCD. I've had it most of my life. But I was only just diagnosed this week after 20 some odd years of obsessional thinking and mental games to try and get the anxiety to go away. Frankly, I am in total shock that there are so many wonderful people out there blogging about their experiences with Pure O, and even more shocked that we share the same obsessions. I'm feeling really hopeful for the first time in a very very long time. <br />
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Holy crap we all have been freaking out that we were secretly gay or would have to be gay at some point in our lives!<br />
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Holy crap we have been assuming bumps were cancer and convincing ourselves that we have AIDS!<br />
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Holy crap we've freaked out, been misdiagnosed, assumed we were crazy and destined for unhappiness!<br />
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Holy crap we have researched and self-diagnosed ourselves thanks to the internet!<br />
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Holy crap none of us seem even a little bit convinced that what we actually have is OCD, even though we are classic!<br />
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While I wouldn't wish the panic and obsessional cycles of thought on anyone, I feel so grateful that there is a club out there of people just like me trying to get better. You ladies and gentlemen are brave and remarkable and I am so lucky to have your experiences to guide me as I begin my own journey. <br />
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So, thanks :)Purely OCD Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10855959162016161437noreply@blogger.com4