Monday, April 2, 2012

Morning Sickness, and Pregnancy anxiety

So much for not having morning sickness. That has officially kicked in, and it is making it hard for me to eat anything reasonably healthy. Vegetables and lean meat makes me want to yak. I'm also super bloated and feeling giant. So, my self esteem could be better. I'm at this stage where I am puffy, but don't look at all pregnant. The "has she eaten a few too many pieces of pizza?" period in pregnancy. I'm looking forward to loving my belly. How cool is that? The idea that for a short period in life, I get to look at my growing belly with joy. Can't wait.

In other news, I've been able to reduce my meds by a third, and so far so good. Yes, I still have irrational thoughts, but I am still able to move on with my life and not spend my life focused on them. Though, there are a few themes.

I'm terrified my child will have autism. The scariest thing about autism is that there is nothing legitimate to avoid that could help prevent it. So, my mind is coming up with all sorts of things that maybe I "should" avoid, just in case down the line we learn that eating this or being around that is what causes autism. The truth is, I can't control whether my child will have it or not. We just don't know why kids have it and why kids don't. All we have are theories. So, I've started going through the motions of imagining how I would respond if my child does have autism. I would get them therapy early, I would research the best programs, I would make friends with other parents in the same boat... in other words, I would find a way to deal with it. I would probably also blame myself, and I would have to come to terms with that. Bottom line, all the worrying I do now won't change the outcome. That is hard for me to swallow-  part of me believes that if I panic about it, it won't come true. None of my greatest fears ever have, so if I panic about it now then I should be in the clear right?

But, despite this, I really am doing well. I know some of my fears are shared by all pregnant women, and that I am doing what I can to respond to my fears in a way that won't exacerbate them. This is definitely going to be the topic I bring up in my next CBT appointment.

Now for another saltine...

4 comments:

  1. Sorry about the morning sickness! I know that must be a miserable feeling. But it will go away, and soon you'll have that belly to love (I love how you worded that!).

    Sounds like you are dealing with your fears very well. You can't control every outcome, but you will find ways to deal with any problems. You are strong and will get through the fears.

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  2. I'm glad you recognize that you can't control autism. It's so hard to come to terms with the fact that we don't have control over a lot of things, but at the same time, I have found it freeing. When I truly grasp that I don't have control, and I really internalize that thought, I'm forced to give up worrying about it because then it really does seem useless. Ah, relief. I hope that happens for you.

    Sorry about the morning sickness. Ugh. I remember those days. But when you hold your sweet little baby, well, it will all be worth it! Hope you feel better soon.

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  3. Hi. I've recently discovered your blog. I have OCD as well. I think that's one of our biggest problems as people with OCD. That we always have to be in control. I'm sure you're going to have a beautiful, healthy baby! There's no sense in worrying about what we can't control. :) Sorry about your morning sickness. Hopefully it'll pass soon. Praying for you and your baby. :)

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  4. Bless your heart. I have a 26 year old daughter with autism. Back in 1986, doctors didn't know what they know now. Early screening and intervention can make all the difference. I'm lucky. My daughter is high functioning and a delightful person. I think the most important thing to do with fears is to play them out. "If the worst case scenario happens, then what?" and keep going with it. Eventually you'll come to realize that no matter what happens you'll deal with it and be a stronger person because of it. I hope the morning sickness eases up soon. How about fruit smoothies?

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