So, I had a great talk with my psychiatrist about reducing dose. She wanted to know what I was thinking specifically. I told her that I wanted to reduce by 25 mg and see how I did (I'm on Zoloft, so the doses increase and decrease by that much in general). I was thinking that a little less would put my mind at ease (a little less, potentially a little less risk - though my psychiatrist did remind me that the risk is extremely low regardless). Ultimately she said that she would be ok with a small reduction in dose, if I stay in touch with her and let her know how I'm doing. She also said that it was more a way of reducing mental angst than actual risk.
Well, after a week on a slightly lower dose, I feel totally fine and stable. And, I feel strangely more at peace with the decision. I'm not freaking out at all hours of the day, and don't feel any real increase in symptoms. If symptoms increase, I will go back up. I'm really dealing with this well.
She also mentioned that she thinks part of my fear stems from the perfectionism associated with OCD. I agree. I do. I know that some of my fears have the potential of becoming obsessive if I do not take care of myself first. It is a great lesson in learning to live with uncertainty, as well as learning to take care of myself so that I can take care of the little bean growing in me. Trust is hard for me, but it is powerful.
So, I am working on some mindfulness, and working to ask myself whether the thoughts are reasonable or distorted. And, spending some time thinking about how things may just end up being good - truth is none of my serious fears have ever come true.
My first OB appointment is in a few weeks. Maybe that will make this feel less surreal.