Long time no post.
Since my last post, I have begun therapy in addition to my monthly meetings with my psychiatrist. My new therapist spent a lot of time working in the NICU with parents who have had babies with problems, which is frankly perfect for me because my latest obsession has to do with me taking medication, using the microwave, eating or drinking what I shouldn't (GMO corn, splenda etc.) and causing life long problems to my future baby.
She reminded me that:
1. I am not pregnant at this time, so I am causing myself a lot of distress over something that isn't actually a current problem.
2. That there will be unknowns during pregnancy no matter what I do.
3. The only thing I CAN do to help have a healthy pregnancy is to listen to what my doctors tell me and that no amount of internet searches on the possible things I can do wrong will make the anxiety go away.
She also had me take the thoughts and graph it (mentally) on how much it intrudes on my life. For example: not using the microwave when pregnant. probably not a big deal, I can easily live without it. Verses, not taking my medication - a big deal. The likelihood of relapse and my not being able to take care of myself like I will need while pregnant is high. I'm still super freaked out about the meds thing, but I have to try and trust my doctors, and learn to accept the fear of it. In fact the biggest ERP will be just getting pregnant and accepting the anxiety along the way.
She also has said that focusing on a combination of CBT and mindfulness may be the best course for me.
"I'm feeling anxious about XYZ and its here. I don't like this feeling, but it won't last forever. Even if my deepest fears come true, I will be able to deal with it and move forward."
So as for updates. Hubby and I are actively trying to conceive. No announcements yet, but I do think that through the anonymity of this blog, I will be able to share all the early details if I do manage to get pregnant. If I do, I know I'll need the support of all of you fellow OCDers that get how my brain works.