Morning Sickness, and Pregnancy anxiety

So much for not having morning sickness. That has officially kicked in, and it is making it hard for me to eat anything reasonably healthy. Vegetables and lean meat makes me want to yak. I'm also super bloated and feeling giant. So, my self esteem could be better. I'm at this stage where I am puffy, but don't look at all pregnant. The "has she eaten a few too many pieces of pizza?" period in pregnancy. I'm looking forward to loving my belly. How cool is that? The idea that for a short period in life, I get to look at my growing belly with joy. Can't wait.

In other news, I've been able to reduce my meds by a third, and so far so good. Yes, I still have irrational thoughts, but I am still able to move on with my life and not spend my life focused on them. Though, there are a few themes.

I'm terrified my child will have autism. The scariest thing about autism is that there is nothing legitimate to avoid that could help prevent it. So, my mind is coming up with all sorts of things that maybe I "should" avoid, just in case down the line we learn that eating this or being around that is what causes autism. The truth is, I can't control whether my child will have it or not. We just don't know why kids have it and why kids don't. All we have are theories. So, I've started going through the motions of imagining how I would respond if my child does have autism. I would get them therapy early, I would research the best programs, I would make friends with other parents in the same boat... in other words, I would find a way to deal with it. I would probably also blame myself, and I would have to come to terms with that. Bottom line, all the worrying I do now won't change the outcome. That is hard for me to swallow-  part of me believes that if I panic about it, it won't come true. None of my greatest fears ever have, so if I panic about it now then I should be in the clear right?

But, despite this, I really am doing well. I know some of my fears are shared by all pregnant women, and that I am doing what I can to respond to my fears in a way that won't exacerbate them. This is definitely going to be the topic I bring up in my next CBT appointment.

Now for another saltine...

Fear

Well, so far things are going alright. I'm exhausted, and I've definitely had some food aversions. Otherwise, things feel pretty unchanged physically.

OCD has decided to play with my head some more. I suppose I should have expected it, and I didn't do a great job of warding it off. I broke down and began searching online for stories of women being pregnant on antidepressants. Big Big Big mistake. I guess that whole "compulsions only aggravate anxiety" thing is true. I ended up calling my psychiatrist and leaving her a message saying I was considering reducing my dose and that I wasn't feeling comfortable with the idea of being on medication now.

I wasn't able to answer when she called me back, but she left me a message. She said she really thought about it, and that she preferred I stay on the same dose for several reasons. She said she thinks that my fears are OCD fears and that reducing may increase them. She also said that several of her patients have reduced dose during pregnancy and ended up relapsing and requiring a higher dose than they were on before to treat the relapse. We are set to talk tomorrow evening to have a real conversation about this.

 It is so scary. I just want to do everything right. I suppose I want to have the perfect pregnancy and the perfect outcome. I keep trying to remind myself that there is no such thing as the perfect pregnancy, but, I'm not sure it's helping.

At least there is no morning sickness...