So much for not having morning sickness. That has officially kicked in, and it is making it hard for me to eat anything reasonably healthy. Vegetables and lean meat makes me want to yak. I'm also super bloated and feeling giant. So, my self esteem could be better. I'm at this stage where I am puffy, but don't look at all pregnant. The "has she eaten a few too many pieces of pizza?" period in pregnancy. I'm looking forward to loving my belly. How cool is that? The idea that for a short period in life, I get to look at my growing belly with joy. Can't wait.
In other news, I've been able to reduce my meds by a third, and so far so good. Yes, I still have irrational thoughts, but I am still able to move on with my life and not spend my life focused on them. Though, there are a few themes.
I'm terrified my child will have autism. The scariest thing about autism is that there is nothing legitimate to avoid that could help prevent it. So, my mind is coming up with all sorts of things that maybe I "should" avoid, just in case down the line we learn that eating this or being around that is what causes autism. The truth is, I can't control whether my child will have it or not. We just don't know why kids have it and why kids don't. All we have are theories. So, I've started going through the motions of imagining how I would respond if my child does have autism. I would get them therapy early, I would research the best programs, I would make friends with other parents in the same boat... in other words, I would find a way to deal with it. I would probably also blame myself, and I would have to come to terms with that. Bottom line, all the worrying I do now won't change the outcome. That is hard for me to swallow- part of me believes that if I panic about it, it won't come true. None of my greatest fears ever have, so if I panic about it now then I should be in the clear right?
But, despite this, I really am doing well. I know some of my fears are shared by all pregnant women, and that I am doing what I can to respond to my fears in a way that won't exacerbate them. This is definitely going to be the topic I bring up in my next CBT appointment.
Now for another saltine...
Showing posts with label CBT. Show all posts
Showing posts with label CBT. Show all posts
Monday, April 2, 2012
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Mindfulness, CBT, and the ever ellusive Trust
Long time no post.
Since my last post, I have begun therapy in addition to my monthly meetings with my psychiatrist. My new therapist spent a lot of time working in the NICU with parents who have had babies with problems, which is frankly perfect for me because my latest obsession has to do with me taking medication, using the microwave, eating or drinking what I shouldn't (GMO corn, splenda etc.) and causing life long problems to my future baby.
She reminded me that:
1. I am not pregnant at this time, so I am causing myself a lot of distress over something that isn't actually a current problem.
2. That there will be unknowns during pregnancy no matter what I do.
3. The only thing I CAN do to help have a healthy pregnancy is to listen to what my doctors tell me and that no amount of internet searches on the possible things I can do wrong will make the anxiety go away.
She also had me take the thoughts and graph it (mentally) on how much it intrudes on my life. For example: not using the microwave when pregnant. probably not a big deal, I can easily live without it. Verses, not taking my medication - a big deal. The likelihood of relapse and my not being able to take care of myself like I will need while pregnant is high. I'm still super freaked out about the meds thing, but I have to try and trust my doctors, and learn to accept the fear of it. In fact the biggest ERP will be just getting pregnant and accepting the anxiety along the way.
She also has said that focusing on a combination of CBT and mindfulness may be the best course for me.
"I'm feeling anxious about XYZ and its here. I don't like this feeling, but it won't last forever. Even if my deepest fears come true, I will be able to deal with it and move forward."
So as for updates. Hubby and I are actively trying to conceive. No announcements yet, but I do think that through the anonymity of this blog, I will be able to share all the early details if I do manage to get pregnant. If I do, I know I'll need the support of all of you fellow OCDers that get how my brain works.
Since my last post, I have begun therapy in addition to my monthly meetings with my psychiatrist. My new therapist spent a lot of time working in the NICU with parents who have had babies with problems, which is frankly perfect for me because my latest obsession has to do with me taking medication, using the microwave, eating or drinking what I shouldn't (GMO corn, splenda etc.) and causing life long problems to my future baby.
She reminded me that:
1. I am not pregnant at this time, so I am causing myself a lot of distress over something that isn't actually a current problem.
2. That there will be unknowns during pregnancy no matter what I do.
3. The only thing I CAN do to help have a healthy pregnancy is to listen to what my doctors tell me and that no amount of internet searches on the possible things I can do wrong will make the anxiety go away.
She also had me take the thoughts and graph it (mentally) on how much it intrudes on my life. For example: not using the microwave when pregnant. probably not a big deal, I can easily live without it. Verses, not taking my medication - a big deal. The likelihood of relapse and my not being able to take care of myself like I will need while pregnant is high. I'm still super freaked out about the meds thing, but I have to try and trust my doctors, and learn to accept the fear of it. In fact the biggest ERP will be just getting pregnant and accepting the anxiety along the way.
She also has said that focusing on a combination of CBT and mindfulness may be the best course for me.
"I'm feeling anxious about XYZ and its here. I don't like this feeling, but it won't last forever. Even if my deepest fears come true, I will be able to deal with it and move forward."
So as for updates. Hubby and I are actively trying to conceive. No announcements yet, but I do think that through the anonymity of this blog, I will be able to share all the early details if I do manage to get pregnant. If I do, I know I'll need the support of all of you fellow OCDers that get how my brain works.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)