Fear

Well, so far things are going alright. I'm exhausted, and I've definitely had some food aversions. Otherwise, things feel pretty unchanged physically.

OCD has decided to play with my head some more. I suppose I should have expected it, and I didn't do a great job of warding it off. I broke down and began searching online for stories of women being pregnant on antidepressants. Big Big Big mistake. I guess that whole "compulsions only aggravate anxiety" thing is true. I ended up calling my psychiatrist and leaving her a message saying I was considering reducing my dose and that I wasn't feeling comfortable with the idea of being on medication now.

I wasn't able to answer when she called me back, but she left me a message. She said she really thought about it, and that she preferred I stay on the same dose for several reasons. She said she thinks that my fears are OCD fears and that reducing may increase them. She also said that several of her patients have reduced dose during pregnancy and ended up relapsing and requiring a higher dose than they were on before to treat the relapse. We are set to talk tomorrow evening to have a real conversation about this.

 It is so scary. I just want to do everything right. I suppose I want to have the perfect pregnancy and the perfect outcome. I keep trying to remind myself that there is no such thing as the perfect pregnancy, but, I'm not sure it's helping.

At least there is no morning sickness...

um...

Well, that was fast. I'm still in total shock. My husband is away right now, so I had to wait and tell him when he called me. I'm excited and terrified. It was confirmed by blood test today.

I called my psychiatrist the day I found out and left her a message. She called me back and left me a message that said a few things:

1. Congratulations.
2. She wanted to let me know that some women experience clinically significant moodiness early on and that if I felt more than the occasional weepiness that I should call her.
3. That it was a really smart decision to go back on the medication and that she wanted to remind me that it was the smart choice.

The OCD has tried to poke through a few times with doubts about whether the meds are a mistake, whether I am already making mistakes that will forever cause harm to this little poppy seed sized bean.

Also- I'm terrified that it won't last. That there is something wrong with me that won't let me have this kind of happiness.

All of that said - I do feel like I'm managing. I'm being fairly reasonable (outside of the 5 home tests I took to try and get it to feel less surreal).

So, now I'm humbly asking for your support. Nobody understands my mind better than all of you. I'm hoping it starts to sink in soon. It is really a weird feeling.

Welcome to the Club

I have purely obsessional OCD. I've had it most of my life. But I was only just diagnosed this week after 20 some odd years of obsessional thinking and mental games to try and get the anxiety to go away. Frankly, I am in total shock that there are so many wonderful people out there blogging about their experiences with Pure O, and even more shocked that we share the same obsessions. I'm feeling really hopeful for the first time in a very very long time.



Holy crap we all have been freaking out that we were secretly gay or would have to be gay at some point in our lives!


Holy crap we have been assuming bumps were cancer and convincing ourselves that we have AIDS!


Holy crap we've freaked out, been misdiagnosed, assumed we were crazy and destined for unhappiness!



Holy crap we have researched and self-diagnosed ourselves thanks to the internet!


Holy crap none of us seem even a little bit convinced that what we actually have is OCD, even though we are classic!

While I wouldn't wish the panic and obsessional cycles of thought on anyone, I feel so grateful that there is a club out there of people just like me trying to get better. You ladies and gentlemen are brave and remarkable and I am so lucky to have your experiences to guide me as I begin my own journey. 


So, thanks   :)