Long Time No Post

Well, here I am, at nearly 11 weeks along, and I'm actually feeling ok. My energy is a little better, the nausea is seeming to get a bit better (though I hesitate to type this as it has a way to turn around on you). I've now seen the little bean on an ultrasound, heart beat is strong, baby is where it should be.

I'm managing the OCD really well, I've maintained my reduced dose and symptoms are about what they were on the higher dose. Apparently hormones can be good for something! Right now, I am dealing with a ton of stress at work and that is the one thing that feels out of place right now. I commute, a lot. And my job is really frantic and high pace. I like a good pace at work, but balance is really important to me. So, now I am stuck with looking for a new job when pregnant and dealing with the "when do you tell" issue, or staying at a job that isn't good for my stress level and overall well being.

I've managed to not over do the whole "perfect" pregnancy thing. Honestly, between morning sickness, exhaustion, and food aversions I have not, and cannot be perfect, so I've had to settle for doing my best. Now isn't that a life lesson for the OCD brain!

Morning Sickness, and Pregnancy anxiety

So much for not having morning sickness. That has officially kicked in, and it is making it hard for me to eat anything reasonably healthy. Vegetables and lean meat makes me want to yak. I'm also super bloated and feeling giant. So, my self esteem could be better. I'm at this stage where I am puffy, but don't look at all pregnant. The "has she eaten a few too many pieces of pizza?" period in pregnancy. I'm looking forward to loving my belly. How cool is that? The idea that for a short period in life, I get to look at my growing belly with joy. Can't wait.

In other news, I've been able to reduce my meds by a third, and so far so good. Yes, I still have irrational thoughts, but I am still able to move on with my life and not spend my life focused on them. Though, there are a few themes.

I'm terrified my child will have autism. The scariest thing about autism is that there is nothing legitimate to avoid that could help prevent it. So, my mind is coming up with all sorts of things that maybe I "should" avoid, just in case down the line we learn that eating this or being around that is what causes autism. The truth is, I can't control whether my child will have it or not. We just don't know why kids have it and why kids don't. All we have are theories. So, I've started going through the motions of imagining how I would respond if my child does have autism. I would get them therapy early, I would research the best programs, I would make friends with other parents in the same boat... in other words, I would find a way to deal with it. I would probably also blame myself, and I would have to come to terms with that. Bottom line, all the worrying I do now won't change the outcome. That is hard for me to swallow-  part of me believes that if I panic about it, it won't come true. None of my greatest fears ever have, so if I panic about it now then I should be in the clear right?

But, despite this, I really am doing well. I know some of my fears are shared by all pregnant women, and that I am doing what I can to respond to my fears in a way that won't exacerbate them. This is definitely going to be the topic I bring up in my next CBT appointment.

Now for another saltine...