Wednesday, December 21, 2011

What if uncertainty scares the bejesus out of me?

I'm married to an amazing man. He loves me when I'm fat and broken out. He loves me when I am depressed and anxious. He lIves me when I'm all dolled up and singing. He's awesome. This fall, after wanting nothing more to start the path to becoming a mom, I became obsessed with knowing with absolute surety that the relationship was right, that I would be a good mom, that I wouldn't somehow cause my future children autism or aids, and that I wasn't secretly gay.

How can you chose to become a parent with so many "what ifs?"

I feel a bit frozen. Like the idea of moving forward isn't possible. I want to be happy. I want to feel like I get to have the life I want. What if I don't deserve that and end up breaking my husband's heart and ruining my future children's lives in the process?

Moving forward with uncertainty seems impossible and like the only answer. How do I learn to be ok with that?

This is my mind today


  1. I COMPLETELY understand this. I am 39 years old and haven't been married. ROCD has ruined every relationship I've been in. I also don't have kids for that very reason - I am TERRIFIED of screwing up their lives - either with OCD, or suddenly realizing that I'm gay, or - very simply - with divorce. Hopefully we can help each other learn to live with uncertainty so that we can also enjoy some of the wonderful things that life brings!!!

  2. I hear you on this. We can't get rid of most of our uncertainty about things, but it's hard to accept that!
    It sounds like you are doing the things you need to do to start getting better and moving forward.
    I hope tomorrow is a better day!