I've been wanting to be a mom for as long as I can remember. Part of me never imagined that I would every be in a place in my life and be able to be in a healthy relationship - so clearly not in the cards. Well, I've had a lot of struggles over the last few months. The OCD smacked me hard and took control. Well, as hard as it was, I went back on medication and now, I am feeling really good. Yes, I still spike here and there. OCD doesn't give up easily. But frankly, I really want to try to have a baby. But, I'm scared. I don't think I can be without meds. My psychiatrist has helped a lot of women through their pregnancies and reminds me that, yes there have not been controlled trials, but there is really good anecdotal research that shows that SSRIs appear safe - and that not eating, sleeping, constant anxiety, and depression have certainly shown not to be healthy for a developing baby. It scares the crap out of me. It is a perfect situation for "what ifs" to sneak in and halt me in my tracks. I don't want to spend my life waiting for it to be ok. I don't know that there will ever be a time when it will feel ok. I will freak out no matter what. If someone is smoking around me, if I drink any caffeine at all, if I walk by the exhaust from a bus- there is no safe place. I will not have the perfect pregnancy and be the perfect pregnant woman. I spent so much of this fall researching reasons to be on meds, or not be on meds, this scary study, that scary study. And, I know, I know, I know that any more internet research is going to keep me in a holding pattern. I've spent so much of my life being afraid of unknowingly causing myself, or others disease and harm. I know that piece is likely going to make it really hard during pregnancy, postpartum, parenting. I am certainly at risk for postpartum depression.
So, this is a controversial topic. And, I hope by posting this to find some support, and not more reasons to fear. I'm afraid of letting this one out. Because people are so opinionated when it comes to medications for psychological disorders and mental health. It makes it harder for all of us who are not just "happy" on meds, but are able to function with them. It is physiological. It doesn't make us weak. It makes us strong for facing our deepest fears and accepting help.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Responsibility
I have a really hard time saying no. I mean, a really hard time. Especially at work. I feel guilty if I haven't gone above and beyond, and frankly I'm not even sure if my interpretation of 'above and beyond' is the same as other people. Ultimately, I end up feeling overworked and cheated. I made a mini goal of setting boundaries with my boss, and it is really hard. She emails at all times of day and texts all the time. I feel bad ignoring texts and emails after work hours, but I cant think about work all the time. It is just too much. And, the stress agrivates my OCD and anxiety. I want to quit half the time, but I'm in a holding pattern while I finish the next 17 weeks of a "residency" like period. Maybe I'm just grumpy today. I get frustrated. I love what I do, but not the company I work for. There is just more stress than what is necessary to do a good job effectively. And, of course, in typing this, I'm afraid my boss might stumble onto my blog, figure out it's me, and I will have offended. I will resist the urge to scour this post for clues as to my identity.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
New Year, all about health and acceptance.
My husband and I rang in the new year in AZ with a couple of friends. A trip scared me. My first panick attack in years hit me on my last trip and the memory of that is still clear, still strong. Not only that, but part of the plan included a big outdoor party (nice warm weather in AZ)and I was really nervous about spiking in a huge crowd. Well, I did spike a bit. And, I did spike a bit. I had to take this as an opportunity to let the anxiety come without analyzing and ruminating. It was hard, but I got through it. I even enjoyed one of the sweetest NYE kiss with my husband. So, I take last night as a success for me. It wasn't a perfect night, but anxiety didn't paralyze me, I looked it in the face and still had fun. Here's to starting the new year one step ahead of OCD.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Happy Holidays Y'all
Happy Chanukah, and Merry Christmas. I'm feeling kind of positive this morning. I'm getting a desperately needed oil change and plan to get myself an even more desperately needed eyebrow wax a little later. I've wrapped about half of the presents. I spoke with my psychiatrist a few days ago and she's recommending I bump up my SSRI, which I think is helping. I've also noticed less anxiety without coffee the last few days, so looks like I'll be living without that blissful cup for a while. In this moment, I'm feeling good and hopeful- so, I thought I'd send out my wish that all my fellow OCDers feel the same for however long it lasts.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
What if uncertainty scares the bejesus out of me?
I'm married to an amazing man. He loves me when I'm fat and broken out. He loves me when I am depressed and anxious. He lIves me when I'm all dolled up and singing. He's awesome. This fall, after wanting nothing more to start the path to becoming a mom, I became obsessed with knowing with absolute surety that the relationship was right, that I would be a good mom, that I wouldn't somehow cause my future children autism or aids, and that I wasn't secretly gay.
How can you chose to become a parent with so many "what ifs?"
I feel a bit frozen. Like the idea of moving forward isn't possible. I want to be happy. I want to feel like I get to have the life I want. What if I don't deserve that and end up breaking my husband's heart and ruining my future children's lives in the process?
Moving forward with uncertainty seems impossible and like the only answer. How do I learn to be ok with that?
This is my mind today
How can you chose to become a parent with so many "what ifs?"
I feel a bit frozen. Like the idea of moving forward isn't possible. I want to be happy. I want to feel like I get to have the life I want. What if I don't deserve that and end up breaking my husband's heart and ruining my future children's lives in the process?
Moving forward with uncertainty seems impossible and like the only answer. How do I learn to be ok with that?
This is my mind today
Monday, December 19, 2011
My Story
When I was five I remember what I now know was a panic attack. I remember feeling warmth filling my body and being so worried and afraid. I'm not sure why it started, if there was a trigger, but, I do know I was suddenly convinced that I was not going to live past 10 years old. Once that milestone was hit, I was sure I wouldn't live past the end of middle school, and then highschool... and then that fear dwindled...
When I was 12, I remember suddenly panicking in the middle of the night that maybe I was gay. I remember drinking 3 glasses of water and feeling better and having the thought, "oh wow, who knew the cure to being gay was drinking water." And yet, while it didn't really make sense, I didn't know how to process it. It would be 8 more years before I knew what a panic attack was.
Throughout my teens I convinced myself that I had cancer and MS until at 20, when I had a bump under my arm and I was sure it was breast cancer (because Brenda on 90210 had a tumor once, so that meant I must also). I was home for a break from college playing scrabble with my parents and I broke down and told my mom that I thought I had breast cancer. My mom, who was diagnosed with OCD several years prior told me I was having a panic attack. She went with my to my room, looked at the bump and told me that it wasn't what a tumor felt like. She helped find a therapist near school for me to go to. The therapist diagnosed me with social anxiety disorder, because all of my fears made it really hard for me to make friends. I was put on one SSRI which I had a really negative reaction to, and then another that actually helped. The therapist however did not.
I wasn't very good at staying on the medication. I felt shame. I eventually took myself off of the medication.
The two years after I lost my virginity I was sure I must have AIDS, even though I had been tested.
When I was 27, I remember watching an Oprah show in which a bunch of women talked about realizing they were gay late in life and fell hard back into panic. It overwhelmed my every thought. It occurred to me then that the feeling of fear felt an awful lot like a panic attack - and by then I knew that nothing I had ever panicked about had actually been true. Maybe this fear that had stuck with me since that night at twelve years old was also not true. I went to my doctor and was put on an SSRI and slowly the panic fell away. I remember talking to my sister during a nervous rumination that I thought maybe I also liked girls, but it never felt right. I expected to suddenly feel like I was allowing myself to be myself, that I should feel relief. But, what I really wanted was the anxiety to go away.
A few months after starting medication, I met him. The love of my life. The first real relationship I had ever let myself be in, my first real boyfriend, my first real love. I married him. I was never afraid getting married. I loved being married. We decided that we would start to try for a baby this fall, so last spring, under my doctor's care, I weaned myself off of medication.
The depression started slowly. My husband and I had a stupid fight and remember waking up the next day feeling nothing for him. It scared me, the relationship doubt started to really scare me. Then in summer I had my first panic attack in years with the sudden thought "oh my god, what if I'm gay." It became every waking minute. Every woman and man I saw became a test. I couldn't watch a tv show without analyzing my responses. Was it anxiety? Or was this me?
For the first time I needed to know if it was possible that it was anxiety. I typed anxiety and gay into a search engine and found the term HOCD. Oh my god. This might be it. It took two more weeks for me to break down, and tell my husband that I needed to get myself well and that I thought we needed to put babies on hold for a while. I talked to my regular doctor about medication and after weeks of thinking about it, I filled a prescription. Four weeks later, I was in a psychiatrist's office. I bulldozed in and spit out all my fears before I could let myself talk myself out of it. (Please, please, please say you think this is OCD. I'm scared that it's not. I'm scared that it is. I'm scared that I can never be happy). She told me that I was having very common OCD fears, and that, while she had never seen anything written about it, in her experience the gay fear and the health fear often coexist for patients. I'm not so unique. At the end of the session she asked if I had any other questions, and I only had one.
"So you think I have OCD?"
"Yes, you have OCD, the purely obsessional variety- but, that doesn't mean you should look it up."
"Don't worry, I already have."
And now a new journey begins...
When I was 12, I remember suddenly panicking in the middle of the night that maybe I was gay. I remember drinking 3 glasses of water and feeling better and having the thought, "oh wow, who knew the cure to being gay was drinking water." And yet, while it didn't really make sense, I didn't know how to process it. It would be 8 more years before I knew what a panic attack was.
Throughout my teens I convinced myself that I had cancer and MS until at 20, when I had a bump under my arm and I was sure it was breast cancer (because Brenda on 90210 had a tumor once, so that meant I must also). I was home for a break from college playing scrabble with my parents and I broke down and told my mom that I thought I had breast cancer. My mom, who was diagnosed with OCD several years prior told me I was having a panic attack. She went with my to my room, looked at the bump and told me that it wasn't what a tumor felt like. She helped find a therapist near school for me to go to. The therapist diagnosed me with social anxiety disorder, because all of my fears made it really hard for me to make friends. I was put on one SSRI which I had a really negative reaction to, and then another that actually helped. The therapist however did not.
I wasn't very good at staying on the medication. I felt shame. I eventually took myself off of the medication.
The two years after I lost my virginity I was sure I must have AIDS, even though I had been tested.
When I was 27, I remember watching an Oprah show in which a bunch of women talked about realizing they were gay late in life and fell hard back into panic. It overwhelmed my every thought. It occurred to me then that the feeling of fear felt an awful lot like a panic attack - and by then I knew that nothing I had ever panicked about had actually been true. Maybe this fear that had stuck with me since that night at twelve years old was also not true. I went to my doctor and was put on an SSRI and slowly the panic fell away. I remember talking to my sister during a nervous rumination that I thought maybe I also liked girls, but it never felt right. I expected to suddenly feel like I was allowing myself to be myself, that I should feel relief. But, what I really wanted was the anxiety to go away.
A few months after starting medication, I met him. The love of my life. The first real relationship I had ever let myself be in, my first real boyfriend, my first real love. I married him. I was never afraid getting married. I loved being married. We decided that we would start to try for a baby this fall, so last spring, under my doctor's care, I weaned myself off of medication.
The depression started slowly. My husband and I had a stupid fight and remember waking up the next day feeling nothing for him. It scared me, the relationship doubt started to really scare me. Then in summer I had my first panic attack in years with the sudden thought "oh my god, what if I'm gay." It became every waking minute. Every woman and man I saw became a test. I couldn't watch a tv show without analyzing my responses. Was it anxiety? Or was this me?
For the first time I needed to know if it was possible that it was anxiety. I typed anxiety and gay into a search engine and found the term HOCD. Oh my god. This might be it. It took two more weeks for me to break down, and tell my husband that I needed to get myself well and that I thought we needed to put babies on hold for a while. I talked to my regular doctor about medication and after weeks of thinking about it, I filled a prescription. Four weeks later, I was in a psychiatrist's office. I bulldozed in and spit out all my fears before I could let myself talk myself out of it. (Please, please, please say you think this is OCD. I'm scared that it's not. I'm scared that it is. I'm scared that I can never be happy). She told me that I was having very common OCD fears, and that, while she had never seen anything written about it, in her experience the gay fear and the health fear often coexist for patients. I'm not so unique. At the end of the session she asked if I had any other questions, and I only had one.
"So you think I have OCD?"
"Yes, you have OCD, the purely obsessional variety- but, that doesn't mean you should look it up."
"Don't worry, I already have."
And now a new journey begins...
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Welcome to the Club
I have purely obsessional OCD. I've had it most of my life. But I was only just diagnosed this week after 20 some odd years of obsessional thinking and mental games to try and get the anxiety to go away. Frankly, I am in total shock that there are so many wonderful people out there blogging about their experiences with Pure O, and even more shocked that we share the same obsessions. I'm feeling really hopeful for the first time in a very very long time.
Holy crap we all have been freaking out that we were secretly gay or would have to be gay at some point in our lives!
Holy crap we have been assuming bumps were cancer and convincing ourselves that we have AIDS!
Holy crap we've freaked out, been misdiagnosed, assumed we were crazy and destined for unhappiness!
Holy crap we have researched and self-diagnosed ourselves thanks to the internet!
Holy crap none of us seem even a little bit convinced that what we actually have is OCD, even though we are classic!
While I wouldn't wish the panic and obsessional cycles of thought on anyone, I feel so grateful that there is a club out there of people just like me trying to get better. You ladies and gentlemen are brave and remarkable and I am so lucky to have your experiences to guide me as I begin my own journey.
So, thanks :)
Holy crap we all have been freaking out that we were secretly gay or would have to be gay at some point in our lives!
Holy crap we have been assuming bumps were cancer and convincing ourselves that we have AIDS!
Holy crap we've freaked out, been misdiagnosed, assumed we were crazy and destined for unhappiness!
Holy crap we have researched and self-diagnosed ourselves thanks to the internet!
Holy crap none of us seem even a little bit convinced that what we actually have is OCD, even though we are classic!
While I wouldn't wish the panic and obsessional cycles of thought on anyone, I feel so grateful that there is a club out there of people just like me trying to get better. You ladies and gentlemen are brave and remarkable and I am so lucky to have your experiences to guide me as I begin my own journey.
So, thanks :)
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